THE END OF THE MATTER
My long-time blog friend Cindy Swanson commented on this series of posts by saying, “Wow, Kevin. I’ ve never seen such an in-depth look at online Christian communities. I was part of such a forum for two years, and ultimately I had to walk away from it as well. The very community that had been such a source of fellowship, friendship and affirmation for me, ultimately proved to be negative for me in the extreme. Don’t get me wrong–I made friends there that I believe will last eternally. But I also came to realize that much of the world created by the forum was, in fact, shallow and artificial. I was addicted to the forum, for sure, and it caused me to neglect real life and real-life relationships. Truly, I’m better off without it. Anyway, thanks for examining this phenomenon, so ably and with such insight.”
And I think that’s the point that I have been trying to get to here. Obviously there is much good to be said about online communities, forums, and the like. But there is also a great number of things to be wary of, potholes to avoid, and people to stay away from.
Here are some of the conclusions that I am just starting to formulate:
1. Online Communities are not Utopia. They are not perfect places and their membership is no different then the people you come in contact with every day… there are a few people who are geniune, there are some that are power-hungry, and there are many that are simply followers. Basically, all types of people hang out there, both good and bad… in ALL communities. Don’t be surprised.
2. Online Communities are not a replacement for real community. Period. Some people use them for this unknowingly and others do so purposefully. Either way, it’s a slippery slope and if you’re not careful you’ll wake up one day and find that the online world seems more real and inviting to you than the offline one.
3. Be wary of the leadership of the forums you frequent. Check their credentials and watch their words. Check out their history and figure out their motivation behind starting the community and continuing it. Do they hold themselves to a higher standard than those they lead? Are they more concerned with the community than their own egos?
4. Dig up dirt. Every community has it, whether it be an online or real-life community. Find the potholes and struggles, then figure out if it is something you are ready to sign on for. Any community that hides its problems is no community you should be a part of. We are human and in our humanness we find Christ and true Christian community.
5. Watch for piety. If there is an holier-than-thou attitude, you whould run away… you’re not holy enough either.
6. How does the community and it’s members treat those with whom they disagree? If it is not a Doctrinal Issue, are they open to other opinions and willing to discuss their stance without slinging mud at the opposition?
7. How does the community handle criticism? … with stride, class, or return-fire?
8. Does it or the people wound your soul? Is it detrimental to your faith? Is there open dialogue about spiritual issues and Biblical stances and standards?
9. Does it inhibit your ability to interact in the real-world? Does it take you away from relationships with people in your real-life community, even though those relationship may be more difficult to cultivate and maintain?
10. When/if you leave, how are you treated? How were others treated when they left?
All in all, I think “Online Communities” is a bit of a misnomer. Though I have used that term a lot throughout these posts, I shudder a bit every time I type it or say it. I am much more comfortable with the term “forum” or something else that does not use the word “community.” Granted, much of it has to do with my own experiences in online forums… but I am not necessarily against it for those reasons. I am wary of using the term ‘ community’ for anything that does not include real-life, close proximity, Christian people in a real world environment. There is more to ‘community’ than simply hanging out with like-minded individuals… community is about accepting those that are unlike us, discipling others, working through problems, holding others accountable, and being there through thick and thin in all of life’s turmoils and successes.
Will I join other online forums in the future? … maybe. Though you may be assures that I will never participate to the level I once did. In fact, I really have no desire to ever be a part of one again, but who knows?!
I’ve found community around me. And I’ve realized that though it’s a bit messier sometimes, it’s so much more preferrable in the long run.
I still have a lot of friends from my ‘online community’ days. But oddly enough, most of them are the ones that still respected me, and hung with me when I left. To those who kept the communication lines open when I left… those are the people that understand what true community is. The others, sadly, are simply too caught up in their own dreams and hopes for Utopia, I am afraid. How sad. But it is understandable how that could happen in the online world, because they never have to see or hear from me again. Out of sight, out of mind!
But to the people who made an effort to maintain contact with me… to those that lifted me up after leaving ‘community’…
THOSE are the people I want in my community… the people who love you in thick as well as thin… and love you more than their own misguided desire for an Utopian escape in the world we call cyberspace.
You continue to exude class and integrity in a world where there is a severe shortage of both. Thank you for your honesty in airing an issue that has needed to be brought to the forefront. The restraint you showed is remarkable. I seriously doubt I could have been so eloquent.
A thought provoking list, my friend. We would be wise to consider it’s wisdom.
It would be hard to add anything further to Musiccat’s comments.
I have just re-read your entire posts, and you know, I am kind of slow….
I saw this occuring when I had a couple posts pulled with no feed-back as to way last spring. It is hard to accept that maybe HIS techies have no safe home to exchange anymore.
I have refrained from posting on this series because I remember the pain inflicted on me by an “online community”. I was hurt very deeply by someone I thought was one of my best friends during my extended stint on that forum. Thankfully, the owner of the forum has since asked for reconciliation, and it has helped to heal the wounds.
It’s funny, Kevin, because I never saw the forum as Utopia. I simply wanted to help – as that’s how I’m wired. I suppose because I never looked at the forum as a place where I expected to get anything from it that I was less prone to be sucked into the false sense of like-mindedness. Indeed, as you well know, my thoughts were often controversial and my manner sometimes thought brusque. It was not the Utopia of a community that allured me, but my personal perceived friendship with the owner that held me so tightly.
In the end, however, the end result was the same. I should not have expected to have a sense of true community from an online forum. Like you, I have friends I am honored to name that I met because of that forum – and you’re definitely one of them!
I suppose the point of this comment to your post is that even when you don’t go looking for like-mindedness and community in an online-forum, you will still be affected by the Utopian pull on those around you. It will affect you and you must know when to disengage. That is where I failed. I didn’t disengage and was banned as a result and, most tragically, learned that someone I thought was a best friend was no more than a Utopian guardian.
- Anthony
Truly a great series Kev. You brought out the facts that hopefully can help others in the long run and not to replace real community with an online one.
dj
All I can add is….thanks. I agree wholeheartedly with both MC and Anthony. I met people there who helped me through some hard decisions and some people who would have left me lying in the ditch.
Thank you, Kevin, for stating this so eloquently.
Dave Marks
It has been a remarkable journey over the last two or so years……more “ups” than “downs”…… with all of you being positive factors on that walk. For some, it has been a sojourn with online communities.. for others, a longer but less involved stay. Whatever the case may be, the dissection of online communities and the realities of them can and should be a catharsis for all. It has been for me.
Kerep learning. Keep loving. Keep serving!
What you said is true Kevin. I’ve lived through many such occurrences since before the days of BBS’s and 300 Baud modems. Many times I have been pulled into the world of the “online community”, because of the willingness of people to view the content by itself without looking at the person. Eventually everything breaks, and once again I would find myself shoved out in the overly hot baking world. So off I went to find a community to belong to, to cool off at.
I would conjecture that it happens in real life also. Just like you pointed out in your earlier blog. Yet this is so hard to detect, and figure out that by the time you’ve distanced yourself from the inside you have no ability to affect real change.
<i>“12 Let no one look down on your youthfulness, but rather in speech, conduct, love, faith and purity, show yourself an example of those who believe.”</i> (1 Timothy 4:12)
Perhaps what we all have to remember in all adventures and issues in life is what is talked about in 1 Timothy 4:12. Being an example as a believer is exactly what we have to do in all aspects in our life online and offline. Yet as a leader we need to be more than that.
<i>?2 Be shepherds of God’s flock that is under your care, serving as overseers?not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not greedy for money, but eager to serve; 3 not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock.?</i> (1 Peter 5:2-3)
God has provided us the gifts and abilities to assist and lead other believers. It is our willingness to serve and lead by example that we make our beliefs known.
<i>“… ”You have faith and I have works; show me your faith without the works, and I will show you my faith by my works.“”</i>(James 2:18)
Kevin it is your willingness to show yourself as an example that I personally admire. You have willingly talked about the issues which face us all and by doing so free us all by exposing the truth. May you always hold the Truth as a Light so those you lead can see.
I was lucky enough to get to know you a little at this other forum before the departure (I think we fought a few battles for formal education together). Its funny because some of the things you have said definitely are universal for forums, but I see where they directly apply to this other forum too.
I felt many of these feelings more than once (like when I would return to a thread only to see that my post had been completely deleted because someone didn’t like what I had to say). I really began to question the leadership and direction when the mass exodus occured. Since, then, my time there has been very limited.
I admire you for your willingness to speak?err?type on the subject.
I’ve been sitting here for the last 1/2 hour trying to write something meaningful and poignant… but it simply isn’t happening… but I do want to express my absolute hatred over sin…
It controls well meaning people… it drives people to say things they shouldn’t and others to react innappropriately… and it condemns the lost and divides fellow believers… it seeks everything contrary to Christ… and I’m practically weeping over the pain it has caused and will continue to cause to His children…
I know there was a great deal of hurt felt at the referenced-yet-not-referenced site… but I was too blind to notice it because I was drawn in by the site’s initial glamour. I want so badly to mend wounds and rebuild bridges but I know it can’t be done… the best I can do is take these lessons and do my best to prevent it from reoccurring.
Thank you for giving me a place to vent a little…
I appreciate your insights, Kev.
I’ve been following these thoughts and just wanted to say thanks. You’ve said some very thought-provoking things and this has really made me think about myself and my role in online communities.
Matt Waller ….
I appreciate your candor more than you know.
Just now read this! Good observations. As always, wise beyond your years!