Onion Religion

The online satirical news site, “The Onion”, cracks me up.  Here are some of my favorite religious-oriented headlines….

“Christ Announces Hiring Of Associate Christ”

JERUSALEM—Overwhelmed by a constant deluge of prayers and appeals for salvation, Jesus Christ announced Monday the hiring of Tacoma, WA, customer-service supervisor Dean Smoler as Associate Christ. Jesus Christ, swamped by requests for guidance and divine forgiveness, hired 38-year-old Dean Smoler as the first-ever Assistant Savior. “I’ve been in need of an Assistant Savior for a long time now, and I’m thrilled to finally have one,” Christ told reporters at a press conference aired on the Trinity Broadcasting Network. “Dean is an experienced guy who will really help ease my workload.” With the hiring, effective June 1, Christians seeking spiritual aid or guidance will be able to pray to either Jesus or Dean. From now on, Jesus advised Christians to address prayers to, “Our Lord or His Associate,” “Jesus or Dean,” or “Jesus or anyone acting in His employ.” link

“Christ Returns For Some Of His Old Things”

JERUSALEM—After being away for nearly two millennia, Jesus Christ triumphantly returned Monday to pick up some of His old belongings. “I realize this isn’t exactly how the world’s Christians were imagining it, but I left a really comfortable pair of sandals in Galilee, and I wanted them back,” said Christ, who died for our sins. “Also, I’m pretty sure I lent [Apostle] Simon Peter my best goblet at the Last Supper.” This marks Christ’s first return since 76 A.D., when he thought he’d forgotten to turn off his coffee pot. link

“Heaven Less Opulent Than Vatican, Reports Disappointed Pope”

HEAVEN—The soul of Pope John Paul, which entered heaven last week following a long illness, expressed confusion and disappointment Saturday, upon learning that the Celestial Kingdom of God to which the departed faithful ascend in the afterlife is significantly less luxurious than the Vatican’s Papal Palace, in which the pope spent the past 26 years of his earthly life. St. Peter’s Basilica, with its 90-foot bronze baldachin designed by Bernini, is one of the many Vatican splendors no longer enjoyed by Pope John Paul II. “Where are all the marble statues, sterling-silver chalices, and gem-encrusted scepters?” the visibly disappointed pope asked. “Where are the 60-foot-tall stained-glass windows and hand-painted cupolas? Where are the elaborately outfitted ranks of Swiss Guards? Why isn’t every single surface gilded? This is my eternal reward?” “Up here, everyone is equal,” John Paul II said. “No one has to go through an elaborate bowing ritual when they greet me. And do you know how many times my ring has been kissed since I arrived? None. Up here, I’m mingling with tax collectors, fishermen, and whores. It’s just going to take a little getting used to, is all.” link

“Christ Converts To Islam”

JERUSALEM—In a surprise announcement with far-reaching theological implications, Jesus Christ The Nazarene, founder of Christianity and spiritual leader of nearly two billion people, revealed Monday that He has converted to “the one true religion” of Islam. The controversial announcement has sent shockwaves through religious circles around the globe. As part of His conversion, Christ said He has taken a new name, Isa Ibn Maryam al-Salaam Christ Shabazz. Neither the Father nor the Holy Ghost could be reached for comment. link

“Judge Orders God To Break Up Into Smaller Deities”

WASHINGTON, DC—Calling the theological giant’s stranglehold on the religion industry “blatantly anti-competitive,” a U.S. district judge ruled Monday that God is in violation of anti-monopoly laws and ordered Him to be broken up into several less powerful deities. “The evidence introduced in this trial has convinced me that the deity known as God has willfully and actively thwarted competition from other deities and demigods, promoting His worship with such unfair scare tactics as threatening non-believers with eternal damnation,” wrote District Judge Charles Elliot Schofield in his decision. “In the process, He has carved out for Himself an illegal monotheopoly.” Attorneys for God did not deny such charges. They did, however, note that God offers followers “unbeatable incentives” in return for their loyalty, including eternal salvation, protection from harm, and “fruitfulness.” link

“Christ Getting In Shape For Second Coming”

HEAVEN—Emerging from a grueling 90 minutes of cardiovascular exercise and light lifting for tone, Son of God Jesus Christ said Monday that He is “definitely on track” to achieve peak fitness condition for the Second Coming. “If every eye is going to see Me, and all the tribes of earth are going to wail on account of  Me, I think I owe it to them and to Myself to be in the best shape of My life,” Christ said. “Right now I’m up to 35 minutes at seven [miles per hour] on the treadmill and benching about 165 [pounds].” “The thought of being unable to seize the seven-headed serpent and hurl it into the abyss really keeps Me motivated,” Christ said. And not only has frequent exercise made Christ feel more healthy and confident, it’s “cleared [His] head, which will really help [Him] deal with the massive amount of smiting and condemning.” link

“God Late For Local Wedding”

CARTHAGE, MO—An embarrassed God admitted Monday that He was late for the Saturday wedding of Patrick Moore and Dina Roble, arriving halfway through the ceremony but catching “most of the important stuff.” God admitted that His eyes were upon the couple for a little less than half of the ceremony—”which is a lot,” said God, considering the length of the Roman Catholic liturgy. Among the parts of the wedding God missed were the prelude, in which Roble’s sister Tammy sang “Come And Journey With Me”; the processional; and the opening prayer, in which God was personally thanked for attending the ceremony. link

“Scientology Losing Ground To New Fictionology”

LOS ANGELES—According to a report released Monday by the American Institute of Religions, the Church of Scientology, once one of the fastest-growing religious organizations in the U.S., is steadily losing members to the much newer religion Fictionology. “Unlike Scientology, which is based on empirically verifiable scientific tenets, Fictionology’s central principles are essentially fairy tales with no connection to reality,” the AIR report read. “In short, Fictionology offers its followers a mythical belief system free from the cumbersome scientific method to which Scientology is hidebound.” Church of Scientology public-relations spokesman Al Kurz said he was “shocked” when he learned that Fictionology is approaching the popularity of his religion. “Scientology is rooted in strict scientific principles, such as the measurement of engrams in the brain by the E-Meter,” Kurz said. “Scientology uses strictly scientific methodologies to undo the damage done 75 million years ago by the Galactic Confederation’s evil warlord Xenu—we offer our preclear followers procedures to erase overts in the reactive mind. Conversely, Fictionology is essentially just a bunch of make-believe nonsense.” link

“Christ ‘Categorically Denies’ Speaking To Lutheran-College Administrator”

ELKHART, IN—Jesus Christ insisted to reporters Monday that He has “absolutely never spoken” to Philip Burkett, rejecting the 48-year-old Lutheran-college administrator’s claim of having “a close, personal relationship” with the prominent savior. Elkhart Lutheran College administrator Philip Burkett, who claims to have spoken to Jesus Christ. “I categorically deny having had any prior contact whatsoever with Mr. Burkett,” said Christ at a press conference called to quell rumors of a Christ-Burkett dialogue. “At no point have I ever conversed with this man.” Christ was responding to remarks published in the July issue of the Elkhart Lutheran College alumni newsletter, in which Burkett said he decided to become the school’s Assistant Director of Student Affairs at the urging of the Messiah. “It was in 1994 that I answered the Lord’s call,” Burkett wrote. “Since then, I’ve been here in Elkhart, doing His work.” link